help understanding

hi. im new to this site. i have been in a relationship with a type1 having problems wanting to chat with others to hopefully gain more insight thanks

Hi Alex,

Well I am type 2 but hopefully might be able to give you some help unless one of the Type 1's on here answers yr post. I am afraid it has all gone far too quiet on here for too long so not sure how many are still looking at the site. If I can help at all please ask awaya and I'll try my best

Nick

What would you like to know? I'm type 1 so hopefully I'll have some answers for you, but between us all I'm sure we'll be able to help you out.

thanks peoples ,i am having trouble with his moods. well severe moods actually.he has outbursts ,gets really angry and sarcastic and just really nasty.. usually over little things then blames me, has never apologised. havent seen him for two weeks. its been a rough going five years actually.he seems to get angry then pushes me away.his behaviour is very upsetting.its like he completely changes and doesnt even recognize me.i too k a huge step back from the diabetes two years ago..let him do it himself. its pretty compllicated, but he has trust issues i thnk as well..but he just wont openly talk about whats on his mind. its so hard cos i never know whats going on for him.i often feel like i am walking on eggshells..i just know i cant go on like this.its affecting my health too...

Is his diabetes well managed? By that I mean does he have a lot of high/low sugar levels or are they fairly constant? Only when you have big changes is your sugar levels you do become very irritable and moody (and overly tired). This happens to everyone, it's the same as the low after scoffing your face full of chocolates! So by getting a good control over his diabtetes, his moods should improve.

The other thing I think it might be is he feels that other people (who are trying to help) are smothering him rather than helping.
I don't mean this in a bad way to you at all, from the outside it's easy to see your intentions are good but it may not be so clear for him. I'm just speaking from my own experience. There are times when I just want to spend hours moaning about my diabetes and how this & that didn't work. But I don't want sympathy or anyone to comment and tell me what they think I'm doing wrong. (It doesn't matter if I know they're right either).
Alot of the time though I just want to be left alone to sort it all out. With my OH, they know what to do when I have a hypo but mostly just listen to me complain. Slowly, as I have come to terms with the condition myself, I have allowed him to help and offer advice (I know that sounds really mean, but I'm not really! )

Maybe for the time being stepping back and letting him come to you when he feels he needs you is the best thing? Hopefully then he can start to open up a bit more and start to tackle why he is as angry as he is.

Hope this helps, but please don't take any of this as an attack on you doing anything wrong. You're not.

Beanie

Hi Alex,

You don't say how old your partner is so I have no idea of that and that sometimes can be part of the problem (age that is).

It is a well known fact and often given lip service by health professionals that people with a chronic disease suffer from depression which obviosuly can vary in degrees just like anyone else. This can be brought about in diabetics by the sheer regime of having to take medication on a regular basis. I know I get sick to death quite often of having to pop pills. Likewise it can become almost too much to bare seeing people eating and in some cases behaving in a way that you would love to but can't because of meds/hypos etc etc etc.

I agree with what Beanie says totally. I think that it is very hard to recognise what is ahppening unless the person talks about it. that in itself can be very hard to do...I know I have pushed people away thinking I know better (maybe that's just a bloke thing as well though!!) but ther comes a point when you do either have to sit down and have a good hard long talk to yourself (himself) or go to someone who can help him. The latter can be very hard to find and may not be possible to come from you because you are so close to the subject...does that make sense?

It might be that he should get an appointment with a Diabetes or Endocrinologist consultant and sort out his medication (which may also be part of the problem...not just insulin but other meds that he takes may just may interact...and certainly statins can cause mood swings too).

Hope any of that helps?

Take care
Nick

thankyou beanie and thankyou nick. you have both been helpful so far.it is very painful to see someone you care about suffer. i have taken a step back. we will see what he does. i think he does suffer from depression but i know h doesnt want to go on antidepressants and i dont blame him. i have been on them before and they are not good, maybe for a short term emergency but they can be very numbing. he will be 39 this year, never married no children.had type 1 for maybe 18years. i dont know how much his sugars swing because i dont live with him anymore. we actually broke up (again) a while ago.i feel very sad. i wish he would talk to me about it. i understand that he sometimes has just needed to vent.. and me being the way i am try to find solutions.. to fix it for him becuase i want to help, but that sometimes doesnt help, and i do understand it. his mother told me in the beginning to get all the sugar out of the house( the way she said it made me feel some kind of panic- like i had to disarm a bomb!) i have to admit i felt resentment because i didnt have diabetes and i wanted to be able to have chocolate or biscuits sometimes, so i would buy them sometimes and hide them. he would find them.he used to hide stuff from me too sometimes. i do eat very healthily but to not have a n icecream sometimes bothered me.he would say its ok you can eat what you like but i felt guilty i know it was hard for him. i thnk i repressed some of my feelings about that. there was also and this is a sensitive issue.. sometimes s.ex would be broken cos he had to eat.and sometimes he wouldnt be able to maintain an erection. i am wondering whether this is one of the main causes of his anger.we would still be able to do it but i wouldnt enjoy it so much. it worried me alot. and him i imagime even moreso. i havent been able to bring it up with him except once where i said i had looked online at various drugs for it... he seemed kind of keen to try but i didnt want to have to arrange it all for him i wanted him to take responsibilty. and i didnt know if i wanted him to be on the stuff, it all seemed very unnatural and a last resort- plus i hoped that maybe it could get better with improving his blood sugar seeing it didnt happen all the time. your thoughts? what are statins?

he also had the belief that he is only good if he cuts out all wheat from his diet too. he struggles with the moderation thing it seems but a strict diet like that is very difficult to maintain, and well i am half italian i love pasta i grew up on it! anyway we are not together so i dont really know why i am bothering. he was just too nasty the other night, he hasnt apologised and i will not be the one to make amends this is his stuff he hurt me. i think i might be waiting forever.. i do love him though! but i need to take care of my health and i have to think of my future and possibilty of having children. i am 38 i dont have alot of time. i cannot do it with him while this is all happening. we have been together for five years with many breaks because of his bad behaviour.

Hi Alex,

Oh dear you do seem to have had a time of it all.

Re depression - I'd be the last person to suggest anyone should go on anti depressants on a whim. I think that the first step is often to try and admit that you are a bit / whole lot depressed and try and talk that through with someone, (whoever that may be but there are some good counsellors out there) and he probably would go a long long way just to talk to someone and get a whole lot off his chest. He maybe needs to offload and as you know that often doesn't work when you try it with the person that you live with!

I think you trying to fix it for him is great BUT it sounds as though he may resent that and then you are back in the Catch 22 situation of leaving him to sort it out....and nothing happens.

Not sure that I like the sounds of 'getting all the sugar out of the house' ! That alone could build some resentment I think. Whether he eats sugary food or not is down to him and his will power and self control. Just because he is a diabetic doesn't mean that he can't eat chocolate biscuits or anything so long as he can counter the intake in some way. In fact it maybe be easier if he has good blood sugars to control than a Type ll who doesn't take insulin. It is very hard for me to watch someone eat meringues etc....but it doesn't stop me from having a life and eating chocolate, ice cream or something sweet when I choose to. If I was told categorically that I could not eat it, then I would feel blooming depressed too!

Diabetics are more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction than the average man (wonderful disease isn't it??). This can be worse in people with high average blood sugar levels especially over a period of time. Likewise this can be speeded up by excessive alcohol use or depression... see where I am leading??

I think if he has to stop because he is about to have a hypo can easily fairly easily be rectified by having a biscuit or 2 or banana before or during !!

I'm sure that if he is experiencing this that is making his mood even worse and is obviously not goodfor you either. Yes there are a number of drugs around and simple pumps and rings available but if he does want to use a drug then whatever he does he needs to speak to his GP first and NEVER buy them off the internet! He needs to be checked out properly as there can be risks involved in taking Viagra etc. I really think he needs to find a good consultant and get referred to them and have a darned good chat about his concerns etc. Lots of hospitals have staff to help with sexual problems and they can sort out the best advice and treatment (if needed) for him.

Statins are drugs which lower bad cholesterol (fat) in your bloodstream and by doing so they allegedly reduce the chance of cardiac arrest and strokes. They are recommened by NICE for just about every diabetic and others with high blood pressure. They do and can have significant side effects, not least of which can be impotence and sexual dysfunction!! Personally when I took them I used to get mood changes and swings within a few days of taking them. Suffice to say I no longer do but take something else instead alongside Benecol yoghurts/drinks and spread. My levels are now classified as 'excellent' from my GP...which can't be bad considering I still eat cheese and crisps! Maybe it's the red wine that combats it as well ???

Mmm not sure about cutting out all wheat either unless he has been diagnosed with a gluten problem? There is a huge change again in what diabetics should and shouldn't eat. At one time it was lots of carbs now it seems to be less carbs and more protein with fruit and veg regularly.

Fresh pasta is high in fat so portions should be small and taken in moderation I would say..... Beanie if you read this what's your take on pasta and carbs please???

I eat it maybe once a week and personally it helps me after a long hard day.

Hope any of this helps you. I really feel for you and admire what you have tried to do for him....but I really think the next step is for him to get on and try and sort his own life out and that must mean going to seek some medical help. If he doesn't then not only is he screwing up himself up but sounds like he is doing it to you to.

Take care

Nick

Just another thought....he could apply to joing the Diabetes Research Network as a lay member and if he did then he will be offered courses to attend (free and travel paid) where he will learn a whole lot more about diabetes and meet lots of other diabetics who all have their own problems and mostly willing to talk about them.

It is a very enlightening experience.

http://ukdrn.org/patients_involved.html

Worth having a look at the whole site though and see what is going on + look at the annual conference review that we had in December in London.
Nick

Hi,

Yeah I think I agree with Nick on this one. Unfortunatly there is only so much help you can give until you just have to let the person sort things out for themselves. If you don't in the long run you'll end up making yourself ill. But I know that is easier said than done!

As far as pasta & carbs go, I try and not repeat a carb one anyone day (so bread in the morning means no bread for lunch/ dinner) I love pasta (and pre diabetes used to live on the stuff!) now I only eat it after I have excercised that way my body can use most of what I've given it.

However I'm not sure if I agree with removing all sugar from the house. Ofcourse don't fill up the cupboards with cakes and chocolate, but you should be able to have what you would normally have. He has had the condition for some years so would understand the effect of different foods on his body. I don't think that someone else dictating what he can/cannot eat would make him the happiest of people. (Although I understand your initial panic when his mum told you that). He's an adult after all, and part of having diabetes is learning for yourself.

I hope the two of you can sort things out for the best. Try not to worry too much.

nick, thankyou so much. sorry i took so long to reply.. i lost my internet connection for a while there. you know its such a shit of a disease hey! i am still without contact to him , so .. its ok maybe in time we can reconnect. i am thinking of him alot and praying that he is ok and taking care of himself. i do miss him but i need some time to get strong in myself.eat well myself too and let him sort out what he wants to do.. That organisation thing sounds like a good idea. seems like you certainly take responsibility for your illness.

hey beanie, thankyou for your advice.still havent heard from him. the carbs thing makes sense, he would always eat toast for breakfast, and then probably bread for lunch. i really do love bread as he does and most people, nut it doesnt react well in my gut. i think i have a slight intolerance.. i get bloated sometimes from it, unless i can fully work it off. when i was in asia i only ate rice and veggies and fruit, no bread at all. felt heaps better! was exercising alot lost alot of weight though.
i miss him. but i need for him to get himself well, i hope he is using this time to have a good long think about his health and life and making the neccessary changes. i need to take care of me too.its so easy to get caught up in a negative way with it all become the patronizing caretaker.. it only leads to resentment on both sides! BIG big lessons in how to live and how to love somebody in a healthy non-codependant way.

p.s nick . you have a good understanding of my situation. the catch22 ha i almost wrote catch33. his birthday is a 22. funny. but it is like that..just seems to go round and round, like a merrygo round. i WISH he would get counselling.. i have a siight feeling he has someone he talks to , maybe a friend, just a feeling he hasnt told me though.i hope he does. it hurts that he cant talk to me about it, thats what i want more than anything... but he is a man..the pride thing..and i have my fair share too! sigh.

Hi Alex,

Glad you got yr connection back again. All best wishes to you and hopefully everything will turn out well in one way or another.

Feel free to ask anything more and we'll see if we can help....or even to off load !

Take care

Nick